The Battle Rounds Premiere
Okay, now we are getting down to it! I play the game on The Voice app where you choose your team and then play along and I am mildly obsessed with it, thankyouverymuch. Now we are at the part where I’m playing and playing hard!
Here is my team (F means favourite):
Chris - drag queen (Jennifer) F
Janice - Radioactive (Miley)
Noah - 17 years old, dead sister (Blake) F
Davon - Baltimore worship leader (Jennifer) F
Addison - 16 years old, Yvette’s friend (Miley) F
Adam - long haired hard rocker (Adam)
Moriah - 16 years old, hard rocker (Miley)
Karli - music major (Miley)
Stephan - screwed up his audition (Jennifer)
Whitney - folk artist, panic attacks (Adam)
Ileanna - quirk from quirk city (Miley)
Megan - Ode to Billy Joe
Here are the ones that were on my team and then I took them off and replaced them with later people, so if I lose anyone from my first team, I’ll replace them with these artists:
Shi'an - little girl with a big voice (Jennifer)
Esera - gay Hawaiian football player (Blake)
Brooke - Native American (Miley)
Red - bald, country as cornbread (Blake)
Adam - bearded country singer (Blake)
Lucas v Meagan - “My Prerogative,” Team Jennifer. So, we are starting out with Jennifer and Kelly Rowland goofing around, harmonizing on “My Prerogative,” but the real reason they are on our TVs is to coach Lucas and Meagan. Meagan is the one with the puff of hair and the big glasses and the crazy style and can somebody please explain to my why in that little clip where they have people turning to the camera and smiling they has pushed her hair down, took off her glasses, and dressed her like an accountant? Were they trying to make sure that nobody recognized her or were they saying, “Look! she has range! She can also be boring!” Lucas just looks like himself, glasses and all. Jennifer says she paired them because they are both unique, but also both R&B. They sing it, and both Kelly and Jennifer are laughing because Meagan is singing he song straight and Lucas is swagging it up, and they each look as though they should be doing what the other is doing. Kelly is shocked they were both one chair turns. They have their second rehearsal, and thats when Meagan is dressed like an accountant. Girl! You have a spectacular look, now is not the time to switch it up that much because you look like a completely different person. Then they do the battle and they both super kill it and were I Jennifer I would go somewhere and hide because I have no idea who I would choose. Adam has hit the tanning booth between the blinds and now. Every year he changes hugely during the down time, once he came back blonde, once he was fat. I think she’ll choose Meagan. Wrong! She chose Lucas! There was no wrong choice, they were both wonderful. No steal.
Moriah v Shilo, “American Woman,” Team Miley. Here we go, Moriah is on my team, so sorry Shilo, I won’t be rooting for you! Shilo mentions again that her father is Jewish. Seriously, The Voice, I’m not going to tell you again, you can let her say that her dad is a cantor without saying he is a Jewish cantor, you really really can. Miley’s mentor is her dad, natch, and she sweetly says that he has been her mentor her whole life. She says that she paired Moriah and Shilo together because they are her growly rock girls. Shilo is great, but Moriah is a whole different level. In the second rehearsal they decided she should have her guitar, but then Shilo started getting tamped down so Billy Ray gave her a pep talk and she started standing toe to toe with Moriah. And they do, in the performance, it’s very balanced, but if Miley doesn’t choose Moriah I will assume that she has gone mad. The coaches are trying really hard to tell Shilo how good she is before they fall at Moriah’s feet and bathe them with their tears. Moriah wins, not a shock. No steal.
Keisha v Noah - “I’m So Lonesome I Could Cry,” Team Blake. Blake has Rascal Flatts as his mentors. I don’t think we get their actual names, so I guess they are Rascal Flatts One, Two and Three. Noah is one of my choices to win, but Keisha is really great so I have my fingers and toes crossed for him. Blake has paired them because they are both powerful singers who can do a great many genres and he wants to narrow things down. Really? You have like ten country singers and you are narrowing down the artists with range? That’s an unusual plan. Keisha is singing and smiling and Blake is reminding her that it’s a sad song. The battle begins, Noah is great, and Keisha opens her mouth and angels take wing. There is no way she is leaving this show. Hopefully someone will steal whomever doesn’t get chosen. Jennifer can give no advice, Miley would choose Keisha, Adam also can’t choose. Blake says it’s always easier when there is a battle round and somebody’s really good and somebody sucks. Blake says that Keisha can fly with her voice, and he chooses her. No shock, but please, someone steal Noah. No-one did. Wait! Someone did! He was literally walking off the stage, one step away from being gone, and Jennifer stole him. Thank you, Jennifer! You are the best!
Chris v Kathrina - “Dangerous Woman,” Team Jennifer. Chris being another one of my choices to win. I’m so glad that Jennifer didn’t pit Chris against Davon, which is what anyone else in any other season would do, because they are both so alike, but she decided not to cripple her team. Smart, Jennifer. Chris starts singing and Kelly Rowland threatens to throw a pencil at him. Jennifer had thrown her shoe at him at his audition, which was the beginning of the whole Jennifer Throws Things When She Loves You trope in this season. They have their second rehearsal and they both were over-singing to compete with each other, and Kelly tells them, “I love a big voice, but too much is too much,” and, “You have to give them something, and if y’all do everything at the same time, my eyebrows gonna be gone, and I like my eyebrows!” Kelly is an excellent mentor. The battle starts, the difference between them is that Chris opens his mouth and no matter how big he sings, it seem as natural as talking, whereas Kathrina is working every second. She’s terrific, but she’s rock climbing a sheer cliff face and Chris is skating downhill on one foot, gliding like a feather. Blake said that Kathrina had the song by the throat, but Chris had the song by the throat and was slapping it. Jennifer is telling Kathryn how proud she is about how she went up against the freight train that is Chris, and we can all see it in her face that she knows. She ain’t winning. And she didn’t, my boy Chris is going forward. And Blake steals her! Everyone is thrilled. I always love it when the winner is being interviewed offstage and the steal happens behind their back and they start jumping up and down. Keisha did the same thing when Noah got stolen. This show has such a positive energy, I love how the singers support each other.
Brooke v Sophia, “You’re a Big Girl Now,” Team Miley. Brooke was on my team for a little while before she got pushed off by a later artist, so I’m rooting for her. They show very little of their rehearsal, so I guess nobody said or did anything particularly interesting and we are going more or less straight to the battle. They yell, “I love you!” across the stage at each other before starting, which was very sweet. Their voices blend beautifully together, they could easily form a duo and go on tour. Adam says that Brooke has a trifle more refinement than Sophia, he chooses Brooke, Jennifer chooses no-one, Brooke says that Sophia really stepped up, but he would also choose Brooke. Miley chooses Brooke. No steal
Adam v Whitney, “Stop Draggin’ My Heart Around,” Team Adam. Adam’s mentor is Joe Jonas and I will mention again that I know his dog Winston. This is what happens when you are a dog walker in LA, you meet celebrities’ dogs. This time they are BOTH on my team! Who should I root for? I guess either of them to win and the other one to get stolen! I have yet to lose a team member and I don’t want to start now. Wow, Adam is quite a performer. He is flirting up a storm with the audience by the way he strums his guitar. Blake chooses Whitney, Jennifer chooses Adam, Miley chooses Adam, but it’s a really really even field. Adam picks Adam, my choice too, but hooray, a double steal for Whitney! Miley and Blake both hit their buttons. Adam urges her to choose Miley. And she does.
The end!